I just don't know what to do with myself....

Seriously... I really don't... I sit here some days and just think I am the LUCKIEST woman alive... and can't think of a single thing he does that makes me unhappy... I mean c'mon... who wouldn't love Tickle Monster?? Let's see... sweet kisses, hard lovin, FANTASTIC bacon, funny songs, Car Concerts, Monsters for everything, I could go on and on and on... and then some days I can only think of the bad things... womanizer, EXTREME flirt (beyond the harmless flirting), tries to have sex pretty much with anything with a vagina, never gives appreciation to me, doesn't do what he promises, lies and as far as I am concerned... cheat(ed/s). Sooooo.... what do I do?? Ignor the bad and remember the good... it's easier to say then do... you know? Try and talk to him about it... what is there to say... nothing!... Stay angry and grumpy like I do now and destroy my relationship even more! Oyyy... I just don't know what to do... seriously.. I'm so tired of being unhappy... but I am SO sick of being used! Anywho... I still know I love him to death and I want nothing more then to one day finally marry him...

Lol... I'm a skytzo... reading my last E-mail and then this one... you would think I was crazy.. but whatever! :)

She Died....

Yea... she died... right up and died... Shirley, my laptop! I almost cried....! I am looking into rent to owning a lap top... I found one I really really like and it's only $45 a month with the first month free AND a built in web-cam! Rockin right?? Plus I'll own it in 12 months.. I'm only paying $550 or something, I priced the computer if I just went and bought it.. I would pay $700!! I think that's pretty cool! Sooo... what to talk about... I'm sitting here at Work wondering if it will ever get cold before Christmas! Jason wore shorts the other day and it was honestly hot in the morning! Kind of crazy right??? Here are my End of December Plans:
Dec 19-Nana's Birthday
Dec 23-Celebrate with his mom and sister
Dec 24-Celebrate with my mom and going to Midnight Mass with Mommy Dearest
Dec 25-Nothing.. lol.. I'm off and Jason is working.. go figure! Maybe he and I will go out to dinner that night or something?

Okie Dokies... those are my plans... and then New Years Eve... Nothing.. lol.. Jason works New Years Day.. go figure!! It's kind of crazy! Anywho... I'm hoping to get out of work soon... I have some serious business to attend... So keep rockin in the free world! :)

Dunkin Donuts yum yum

I'm sitting here seriously about to fall asleep! My eyelids are SO heavy I have the yawns like crazy and we're SO dead at work it is killing me! I feel like I didn't sleep at all last night but trust me.. I was sawing logs all night.. lol! So what's the deal??

Anywho.. hmm.. what's going on with me.. just got done eating my Dunkin Donuts breakfast.. bagel, hash browns and coffee... just got done cutting out a whole TWO coupons from the paper... seriously.. I only cut out two!! That's insane.. they need to get some good ones in there because I am about to stop buying it! I attended a funeral yesterdy morning and family chirstmas party last night... can you see the irony??

Well got a call finally.. and it ends up being a cheap ass!! He wants to come from Pitsburg to Fort Lauderdale... for 7 nights (which is 8 days) and the total (which DOES include air AND hotel) came to roughly $1,000 and he said he could get it for only $300! I said good luck buddy!! lol

Oyy... I wish this job was more exciting... when we were in training it sounded SOO cool.. and well it's turning out to be pretty dull! But okiedokies... off to stare into space waiting for the day to end!

No Birthday sex.. no 21 spankings..

Kind of a let down.. I still haven't been drunk!!! But I can say I caught a healthy buzz the other night at Dinner!! :O)

Birthday Time!

Holy Shamolies my 21st Birthday is tomorrow!! Can you believe it.. I can't!! The funny thing... I'm going to dinner with my grandparents.. so that means my very first legal drink out in public will be with my grandparents!! Funny huh?? My main squeeze will be taking me out the day after, Friday! I am so excited.. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal.. but omigoodness I am so excited!! My parents are in Tenn.. that's kind of strange, it's my first time not celebrating my B-day with my mom... kind of makes me sad!!

Anywho... a little about me.. sitting on the couch watching Dawn of the Dead (2004 Zack Snyder) with Ivey at my feet a naked Jason in the chair and who knows where Angel is! Counting down the minutes until my Birthday, only 60 minutes! Hmm... our relationship is getting a little better.. I'm not sure how or what.. but I think it's due to the fact that one morning I woke up and decided I just don't care anymore! I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my back.. strange huh?

Alrighty then... Off to finish the movie and give Jason quizes on good 'ole Zombie movies!

Ciao

Heart shaped Meatloaf dinner didn't work

I feel like I have hit rock bottom... and I don't see any shining light anymore.. so I just feel like I keep digging a whole deeper and deeper.... there is no returning to the top or even the middle.. or even just getting back to the moment of "bottom." I feel soo alone.. and yea it's probably, no it is my fault but damnit can't someone, anyone be there for me just because they want to not because I had to put effort into something. Can't someone appreciate one little thing I do... like idk.. cleaning the house.. having dinner done.. making lunch.. doing their laundry.. asking how their day was... having their entire uniform down to their socks and undies laid out so they don't have to go rumaging to look for it? Can't someone notice something I have done...? Like maybe just a hey, good job or a thank you? I just want some sort of recognition for something.. anything.. except being told I'm a nasty bitch.. or how any day they could leave me.. I want someone to come home and give me a kiss and say hello! I'm not asking for a lot here.. or maybe offer me some help.. or do something when I asked them to do it. Can someone love me or are they right.. I'm unloveable?

Misery is the River of the World

How to deal when you realize you're unwanted... no.. that's too harsh... when you're beginning to realize that you were right.. YOU are on the second burner and everything else is on the front burner...? I'm not sure how to deal with this... I just kind of shut off emotionally.. I don't see things in a pretty purple light anymore but this really dusty old ugly purple.. (yes.. I see everything in the light of purple!).. I want my pretty purple back! When you hear, I wish I could have a relationship on the side, I will never be owned, I hate commitment, it puts this HUGE brick in your stomach.. a cigarette burn right through the heart.. cauterize the wound.. make the blood stop running through my veins. It hurts.. end of discussion.. but I'm supposed to be A OKAY with this?? I'm not.. but do I say it.. no.. because I'm weak.. I'm a fool.. I'm just a "roommate". At least I have Ivey.. well sort of... even she's kind of more distant. What is going on here? What happened to my Baloooooooga?? I don't know.. he went away when the smoke cleared away I guess; or well that's the way it seams anyhow. Who knows... things will get better right... or not! I have such a fear of being alone I think that I can't be true to myself... or wait.. I am being true to myself.. I know what I want and how I want and who I want... it's just the other party or isn't being true with me.

Oh hell.. what am I talking about! I should just be happy that I have someone... right?

I have a thing for saying "schm.."

Here is something I wrote while at work... being bored... lol!

Etiquette Schmetiquette

Source: Conde Nast Traveler

pg. 110
Article: Etiquette 101


I know I hardly consider what other people think of myself or my traditions let alone etiquette but to some people I suppose it truly is important. I remember turning 12 and for my birthday I received from my sweet loving grandparents.... admission to Etiquette School; yes you heard it right I received schooling on how to act like a prim, proper, 1950s girl going into womanhood for my birthday! Blame the school for my carelessness in appreciation in etiquette if you must, I certainly do, but reading an article about what the world thinks of my country in a whole is a lot more face slapping then one person's actions.

There are some mixed emotions, take the Canadian who thinks' we're really helpful yet ignorant or even consider the French man who thinks' we're sheltered and thinks' we're a "closed country". Some American's might actually take this in offense but some, like myself, would just shrug it off their shoulders.

On second hand, should I blow it off and not think twice about it or should I really sit here and consider maybe the things I do really do affect what the world thinks of us. One thing I noticed throughout is the simple question/phrase "Hi, how are you?". What I always think of as being courteous most foreigners find it kind of repulsive. We self-centered people. They can see right through us and by the time we have opened our mouth and gotten the syllable beginning Hi they know we are being "polite" and could really care less what the other person has to say.
Some of their concerns with our etiquette should really be none of their business, the complain we smile too much.. hey we're American we're happy to be "free" so don't we have the right to smile; or how about the entry "they think we treat our pets like kids, and our kids like princes" (pg. 118) don't get me wrong I am guilt, at least with my pet, on this one. My dogs Ivey and Angel are and always will be apart of my family.. we hold funerals for them but have we forgot about England? I do believe they have an odd obsession with their dogs, The queen does allow her dog to eat at the table with her! Our children should be treated like princes and princesses I mean who wants to be treated like a slave?

The point is, perhaps we should sit back and take some things into consideration and some thing should be blown off. Leave me alone for smiling all the time, accepting my dog as family and the way I dress. Sure pick on me for the ignorance of other countries and our women are teases. All in all in the end we should generally just get a long and learn some basic etiquette- open doors for women, having your man's dinner ready when he arrives home from a long hard day at work, and children should respect their parents. Oh wait, who am I kidding.. this is America.

Sunday Schmunday

Well.. I'm bored... I want to be home with my "babies" watching the game and lounging in my birthday suite!! Who wouldn't, right? Instead I am sitting here waiting for ANYBODY to call listening to a woman blow her nose and another woman.. oh wait.. phone call just came in!...


..PAUSE..



It was nothing to get excited about... a woman just wanted to know how to claim her rewards.. soo no new books.. Anywho.. yea.. work is pretty slow and boring right now. I already read just about the entire Sunday paper clipped all the coupons I want and some I don't need and done the craigslist thing.. (I'm addicted to the free/barter/wanted sections!) I'M BORED!!

Hmmm at least it is Friday's Eve!! Wednesday night Jason and I are going on some dinner date with this other couple.. a little confused about the whole situation.. but who knows.. it's free dinner! What else.. oh nothing!

Ciao...

What is going on here??

Well History has been made.. Obama... I'm not even going to begin with that topic!! So moving on.. the Economy is SO bad anymore.. a class which was hired right after mine was let go.. so now I'm worried about losing my job too!
But work.. let's talk about work right now... we were told to color/create/decorate these little construction paper "star guys" to state what we are thankful for.. and I guess I missed the E-mail saying they had to be about Wellness.. well anywho I made mine.. sparkly and all.. and then I am told they wont hang mine.. why?? Because I'm honest and say what I'm thankful for and I don't try to say the "right" thing... so now are you asking what I am thankful for??

Cigarettes and Video Games

Now who are they to say that I do not own a Wii Fit?? Isn't that considered wellness?? Where is my freedom of speech here? It's not like I said something along the lines of booze and porn!! Anyway... just giving you an update on the life of Dizzle!

Peach

FINALLY!!!

I finally moved!! Woot-Woot!! I can't believe I finally moved!! It's this amazing feeling laying in bed with my main man and not having to worry if anyone is going to bust in the door or any nonsense!! Just peace and quiet... well... sort of! lol!
We realized that it is a little boring.... considering no cable or anything to watch... we watched THREE movies back to back yesterday... lol... I'm movied out! We went grocery shopping our first time... with $10.00! We got cereal, dish soap and Kool-Aide! lol... a healthy and balanced diet!! :)
Moving was way too difficult and took FOREVER!!! We started around noon and didn't finally lay in bed until 3 in the AM!!! And to add ontop of that... I was sick!! Anywho... good news I am out on my own.. bad news... I'm scared! lol!! Our new home is funny looking on the inside thought.. we have one lonely little chair that we both squeeze on together, a TV, XBOX360, PlayStation, bed and dishes!! That's it!! But I'm happy with it!
I took my first bath last night.. it was very nice and relaxing!
I had dinner my first time in my new house... (cereal)..
Well and some other "first" things happened too... but that's for another blog!

Well anywho... back to work....

Moving Time

Omi..great..goodness!!! I'm moving! I have an awesome job! Jason is being one of the most wonderful men in the world! I'm making new friends! What else could I ask for??

I'm finally happy again! I'm a 20 year old home owner with the man of my dreams! I started a new job that is too good to be true (I am knocking on wood as I type) and things just seem to be getting better! I don't know what else to say.. except holy smokes am I happy!

Just wanted to give a little update on life!

What's Good?

Well everything is going good for me... great new job.. moving soon.. man and I are doing good.. what else could I ask for?!!? I know I have been talking about moving and my job a lot lately.. but they are fantasticly big deals for me!!! And you should be... no.. you will be happy for me!!

:)

Anywho.. So there is Hurrican Ike on his way to us... that's a name that we will be talking about for a couple of years!! I really think it will do some serious damage... but good lord please not to my new house!!!!! Well what do you people think about this hurrican?? Fay was a joke... but the flooding was serious and I really feel bad about the people who have lost their homes to her.. and then who else was there Gustav.. I feel like people were making a big deal about him just for the sake of making a big deal!! I also think Josephin will be a bit of a disapointment!! Well those are my thoughts and opinions.. what do you think!??!?!

Labor Day Weekend

Sooo... Happy Labor Day.. I suppose I am a little late... but whatever.. it's the thought that counts damnit!!

Soo... things in my life right now... I started my new job.. and every morning I am waiting for a phone call to say "Hey Sorry.. but just kidding... it's not a real job!" lol.. I'm being serious! We have this really chill dress code... amazing benefits (free life insurance.. travel for pretty much free.. awesome people to work with) and free food.. like all the time!! It's great! I met this really awesome couple... Richie and Kasee... they're great! Hanging out with them the first time was almost like hanging out with old friends.. just without the inside jokes!! You know those type of people... you just feel like you've known them forever and a half!! Anywho.. they are great.. and Kasee is amazing!! :) Umm... Jason and I are moving oh so soon... soon enough to start packing... but not a reality yet to actually begin packing!! Umm... I'm getting my first pay check on Wednesday so I am stoked about that.. and well in general... life is going pretty freaggin good right now! Sadly I probably just jinxed myself... but whatever.. I'm enjoying life at the moment! I don't know of much to make it better besides the trivial things!

Umm.. anywho... yea... just wanted to do a little blogging before heading to bed to say hey hey hey... Happy Labor Day... and life is good!!

If you want.. go check me out on MySpace:

www.myspace.com/cheesetastik


I would love to hear from everyone.. let me know what's up!!

Strange Times

Well with everything going on in my life you would think I would be jumping for joy.. beaming with energy.. a smile from ear to ear.. but I have some bad news... I just can't seem to be happy?

Well great news number one.. I'm moving!! I'm finally moving into a place I can call my own that I will own... everything.. it's great!! It's 3 bedroom 2 bathrooms... huge family room.. big kitchen.. bla bla bla... I love the place... so I should be super happy about that...

Great news number two.. I have a new job!! I am getting paid W A Y better then what I was making and it's an awesome job with amazing benefits... and everything inbetween... so I should have a sigh of relief..

Other good news... well that's a secret I cannot share with you!!

Well those are some pretty awesome things that I am so sad about.. well I am not sad about those things.. but I am just sad in general... perhaps I am starting to let things get to me... I have been told some pretty harsh things lateley and I have been just brushing it off.. but now it's starting to hurt pretty badly... I have been ignoring my own feelings about everything going on with the whole "death in the family" thing.. and well... now I am thinking I don't like it so much... I have gained like a zillion pounds it feels like... I don't like the clothes I have.. .I owe people sooooooooo much monies... I owe the hospital so much monies.. My insurance is really blej.. and everything else... I just want to crawl into a ball and cry.. :(

Well yea.. that's about all going on for me now.. I'm not in a very happy mood right now anyways... soooo.. I'll blogg again another day.. maybe this weekend after my first week of work.. I'll probably have a couple things to say about that!

Oh yea... by the way... one of my best friends... he just got out of the hospital so I am stressing about him... something is wrong with is heart or muscle (yes I know a heart is a muscle but the pec) something or another!! That's pretty crazy...

and

Jason has been off the rocker lately... I don't know what to do with him anymore.. I want to make him happy and smile and laugh again.. but I don't... and it makes me even sadder!!!!

Well okay... it's bed time!!

Heavy Eye Lids

Okay.. so it's August 4th.. that only means my 21st Birthday is in exactly FOUR MONTHS!! That's right.. soon I will be the big two one.. no stopping me now! I think it's fitting! I am turning 21.. becoming a woman.. I am moving on my own.. I have a "big girl" job now.. and well.. life is finally starting to look up! I have like a zillion dollars in debts I owe to everyone and their mother.. but I will be able to pay them.. thanks to my new job!

I was laying in bed one night and I rolled over and asked my boyfriend...

Do you think you were put here for a reason?

Now think about it... question it.. roll it around on your tounge.. let it seep into the cracks of your mind.. that question really bothers me. I was reading a magazine, don't ask which one since I don't remember... and I thought about it.. and well.. I don't know how to answer the question and that bothers me! Like isn't everyone supposed to be here for some reason or another? I have no idea what my purpose in life is.. I am not overly good at anything... I am not overly passionate about anything relevent.. I am just a being sucking up the air and poluting the Earth. This almost makes me feel like I am lost... perhaps I will find out later in life.. or maybe I will never find out at all and I was a waste of human worth? I certainly hope not.. but you never know! Anyway... this question later made me wonder... have I impacted anyone's life? Does anyone ever look back and think.. well Thank's for her or I would have never done this.. or whatever!? I have those thoughts just about everyone in my life! It's kind of crazy!? Anyway.... think about that question... if we are or not put here for a reason! Let me know!!

Alright.. on a lighter note... I want a chinchilla really badly! I am pretty sure they are one of the cutest things in the whole wide world!!! I have been asking my other half to get me one since we have been together... so that's roughly 4 or 5 years I have been asking... and I still don't have one! Anyway... they are cute with their big fur ball bodies... funny tail... and sand baths! If you're getting rid of one.. give it to me!! I would name him Beaches!

Okay... Adios... it is time for me to get some sleepies!

She Made Me Do It!

Okay so I am new to this blogging adventure! I don't even know where to begin.. but I do know the first thing I am blogging is the wonderful:

101 Things About Me

My sister did it and asked me to do it too... and well.. here is goes!

101 Things About Me:

1. I am a mutt.. no one knows what I am.. but I think I have it figured out!

2. I start a new job in a couple of days and I am nervous I wont fit in

3. I am afraid of being alone

4. I am afraid of the dark

5. I am a scatter brain

6. Spiders scare the bejesus out of me!

7. I do not trust anybody

8. I like the fact sissy and I have become better friends

9. I love animals.. sometimes more then people!

10. I care too much of what people think about me.

11. I wish I had a "closer" family

12. I get embarressed easily

13. I am depressed all the time..

14. I love rainbows and unicorns

15. I believe in fairies

16. I question God.. and don't really believe in him.. I believe in something.. I just haven't figured it out yet.

17. I miss Papa!

18. I wish I knew my family history a little better

19. I have a boyfriend that nobody likes but I love him and wished that was enough for everyone else

20. I wish I was as smart as people think I am

21. I turn 21 very soon!

22. I am a REALLY bad test taker!

23. I am not soo good at math

24. I love to write papers.. stories.. poems.. anything!

25. I don't have a lot of faith in myself

26. I am an extremely loyal person and wonder if I am the last person in the world like myself.

27. I love mashed potatoes!

28. I am not a very good speller

29. I love Target!

30. I think I like sushi now!

31. I love to read!

32. I am sarcastic

33. I hate to fight.. but when I believe in something I will fight about it until I am blue in the face

34. I hold grudges for a very long time

35. Most people say I have very pretty eyes and a huge butt!

36. I don't think I am very pretty...

37. I don't like when people tell me I am pretty after I say I don't think I am pretty

38. Suicide is for losers.. and I don't believe in it!

39. I am pro-choice

40. I am Catholic

41. I am submissive

42. I miss playing sports on the weekend and getting dirty at practice!

43. I am a good listener

44. I don't have many friends... I don't trust people

45. I miss my best friend

46. I want to be a mommy and scared I wont be a good one

47. I plan my pretend wedding almost every day and don't know if I will ever get married

48. I like boxing

49. Men scare me

50. I have intuitions that are usually true

51. I am an Aunt.. and I could be better at it.. but I will eventually get things together

52. I cannot wait to move out finally into my own home and decorate!

53. Pink and purple are my favorite colours

54. I am confused about my sexuality

55. The Magic Kingdom is my favorite place in the whole world!

56. I want to go to Jamaica and New Zealand

57. I have a new appreciation for cheese... like Brie!

58. I love to eat chicken...

59. I am not the best cook but I really do enjoy cooking!

60. Dove bars... do I need to say more?

61. Sweet Tea is my addiction

62. I have done a fair share of drugs.. and know they are not for me

63. I hate feet.. I hate them A LOT!!

64. I give good advice

65. I love psychology.. and I like to try and pick people apart mentally

66. I wish people admired me the way I admired them

67. I look up to my sister..

68. I love the beach but hate salt water!

69. I am a very sexual being!

70. I create my own world in my head to make myself feel better sometimes

71. I cry a lot.. probably once or twice a week minimum..

72. I want a boob job!

73. I am a horrible dieter.. I hate diets.. and "cheat" on them all the time

74. Breakfast is my favorite meal.. but not necessarily breakfast food

75. Christmas is my favorite time of the year.. but I hate Christmas day!

76. Fall and Spring are my favorite seasons

77. I hurt the feelings of people that mean the world to me and I don't mean it

78. I take advantage of my mother.. and don't realize it until I have already done it.

79. I can keep secrets

80. I am afraid of dieing

81. I love to colour my hair!

82. Pedicures feel fantastic.. but I cringe the whole time I am getting them because I hate people touching my feet!!

83. I want to move out of the country and start a new life alone

84. I have attempted learning different languages and loose interest half way through!

85. I want to be a teacher...

86. I want to own a bar

87. I get annoyed by people very very easily

88. People watching is a lot of fun!

89. I appreciate the human body

90. My favorite family memory is when we all went to dinner with some friends at La Bravo (I think that's what it was called) and I pulled the chair out from under my dad!!

91. I miss having dinner with mommy, dad, and Amy!

92. I miss when Amy used to finish my dinner when I didn't like it!

93. I want to be someone important without anyone ever knowing until I am gone!!

94. I hate attention!

95. Unchained Melodies and African Herbsman are my favorite songs

96. I am "reggae"- One Love!

97. I love giving people presents.. but don't like to get presents!

98. I hate having my picture taken!

99. My dream car is the Jetta and a Volvo!

100. I have a horribly memory

101. I am incredibly moody and sometimes think maybe I am Bi-polar!

There you go.. I am done! That was bit too hard and took way too long!!! But I did it!

Hope you enjoyed.. and I hope I remember to keep blogging!

Ciao!