How to deal when you realize you're unwanted... no.. that's too harsh... when you're beginning to realize that you were right.. YOU are on the second burner and everything else is on the front burner...? I'm not sure how to deal with this... I just kind of shut off emotionally.. I don't see things in a pretty purple light anymore but this really dusty old ugly purple.. (yes.. I see everything in the light of purple!).. I want my pretty purple back! When you hear, I wish I could have a relationship on the side, I will never be owned, I hate commitment, it puts this HUGE brick in your stomach.. a cigarette burn right through the heart.. cauterize the wound.. make the blood stop running through my veins. It hurts.. end of discussion.. but I'm supposed to be A OKAY with this?? I'm not.. but do I say it.. no.. because I'm weak.. I'm a fool.. I'm just a "roommate". At least I have Ivey.. well sort of... even she's kind of more distant. What is going on here? What happened to my Baloooooooga?? I don't know.. he went away when the smoke cleared away I guess; or well that's the way it seams anyhow. Who knows... things will get better right... or not! I have such a fear of being alone I think that I can't be true to myself... or wait.. I am being true to myself.. I know what I want and how I want and who I want... it's just the other party or isn't being true with me.
Oh hell.. what am I talking about! I should just be happy that I have someone... right?
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