It hurts

You know you always say that every time you start to get cozy again that I fuck up and hurt you.. but it goes both ways. Every single time I think things are going well again you have to go and fuck or get a blowie from another bimbo in my/"our" bed.. you have any idea what that feels like? you have any idea what it feels like to be lied to.. straight to my face.. to have you say oh i love you and yadda yadda yadda.. and then do this to me???? i really hate you... honestly!

Huh?

So... everything and anything that could go wrong has gone wrong! I lost my job.. about to lose my house.. lost my relationship... and having him throw his new 'relationships' in my face... I just want to go somewhere very far away.. and never look back. Seriously.. I have no idea what is here for me to make me stay. I mean seriously.. my home life... I get kicked out of my own bed to have my on again/off again boyfriend fuck some bitch in MY bed last night... which is not the first time he has done this to me! My parents are done with me.. I just in general hate my life...! Lol.. someone take me away!!!

I just don't know...

Okay soo.. yesterday marks my 5 months of unemployment and I am seriously HATING life. I am so sick of getting yelled at by the main man... he honestly accused me of STEALING from him! How you wonder... bc I got a pack of cigs from the counter...!!! Go fucking figure! I just can't stand living with him anymore. I just applied for a corprate position where my mom works.. and she said I will probably have a good chance of getting the job there.. and they pay really good...!!

So.. on that note... if I can get the job there.. then I am moving out... it's final! I just can't do it anymore... I mean maybe the relationship between him and I will get better without us living together.. who knows.. or maybe it'll become obvious that it is seriously time to move on! I mean let alone him accusing me of stealing I get told I am a fat ass or lard ass... he only has me living with him in order to use my car... and well he hates me!

I am ready to be happy again.. move on with life... IDK.. wish me luck..

Well........

Holy Shamolies I haven't written in forever and a half!

Okay soooooo.. I lost my job, hurt Jason hardcore, we broke up, got kicked out of my house-moved in with mommy and daddy, moved back home, Jason's been a whore, we got back together again two days ago and I still don't have a job!

Going back to school for my A.S. for Radiology.. sooo.. that's kind of cool. Have an interview on Wednesday at a Pizza Shop I have no idea where it is.. or even the name! Hmm.. what else.. Oh yea... we're broke broke broke, considering we are living on one pay check, and our freaggin AC broke! :(

Holy Fanoli's

Well... who knows what is going on in this world wind I call life!

He breaks up with me one day.. totally in love with me the next and then breaking up with me again three days later! Who knows?!?!??!

Anyway... I'm thinking about finally actually decorating the bedroom! I'm wanting one wall with the windows and the wall the headboard is against an insanely matte black and then I want to find a really antiquey (yes that's a real word.. I used it!) white fixture to go between the windows.. and then the other three walls to be a really washed out red. I would want to figure out how to paint the dresser and armoir white too. and then the bedding be a mixture between the three colours.. red, black and white! I think it sounds amazingly sultry cool and chic! I would also have the paint match the curtains and have REALLY exaggerated curtains (red) against the black walls!! I think it sounds AMAZING!!

Then in the living room/dining room I want it to be really open and airy.. I was thinking about blues, cremes, blacks, browns, greens... almost earthy but giving off super positive energy! And I want every thing really mix-matchy! I think it sounds really nice..cool and awesome! :)

Let's see.. the guest bedrooms well that's another day! I haven't even really considered them yet.. and the bathrooms.. I want to do a lot with my bathroom and I want something quirky for the guest bathroom.. maybe I'll look more into it today and give you a bathroom update later on!

Alright.. it's break time.. time to go smokey smoke and get away from bitching clients!

Ciao

Happy (not so much) Valentine's Day

Well I don't know where to start.. Yesterday was Friday the 13th and the re-make Friday the 13th came out yesterday.. sooo.. Jason and I went to go see it... we get there.. have some drinks... have fun.. and then it gets cold outside!! So we go to the surf shop there.. and we're like seriously on our way to the movies!! Soo.. what does he do... find someone to help him (no problem there) and then decides to flirt with her.. HARD CORE... which whatever.. I don't really care... but then it's time for the movie to start so I approach them and say let's go... well lord o lord that was the worst move of my life!! We didn't go to the movie.. because guess what.. there weren't any seats left.. we leave.. and on the way home he procedes to tell me.. it's time to split ways... just like that... told me I have 2 weeks to get my things out and move out of the house... I kind of put it off thinking it was him drunk and angry... but then today when he goes to get out of the car he says "love you" but no kiss. I called him at work and asked why.. and he said we're breaking up!!! WTF!! Not on Valentine's Day!! Seriously... Not now... I don't know... I just wish I could go far far away to a new place and just quit!

Stroke my ego...

I want to be someone's inspiration.. I want to be longed for when all I did was walk by and smile you.. I want to have someone kiss me every day when they see me because they love me that much. I want my tears to be wiped away with no questions.. just a hug. What about surprising me with dinner one night.. instead of walking in on you playing your video games.. How come I can't be the girl sitting at work bored out of my mind and to my surprise I get a delivery of a single tulip and a simple note that says something along the lines of Hi! I need a little reminder every now and again that you still find me sexy, smart, funny.. anything besides worthless... I miss tickle monster.. I miss random sex in random places with you. I want a big hug every now and again just for the sake of it. I wish I could come home and the trash was taken out. I don't ask for much.. I ask for little things.. I don't even want these things to happen every day.. just once in a while.. remind me that you still love me. Tell me for once from your own free will why you love me... I'm not asking for some long serious conversation... just next time we're sitting there look at me and say I love you becase.. and fill in the blank (your laugh, your ability to cook, your horrible baking.. idk.. anything!). I NEED romance! Why is that hard to come by?? I try to be romantic.. I try to remind him why I love him.. I try to do little things all the time for him... like buying a freaggin juicer for limes... c'mon.. it's that simple.. remember one thing I enjoy or like or said I would want.. and just go make it happen.. (I'm cheap so it'll never cost much!).. I don't do these things every day... but I try to do something at least once a week for him... and I get nothing in return.... I vote for a change!

I had a bad day...

Yesterday was not a very good day.. well the last couple of days in general haven't been good. I feel SO down about myself lately that just about every shower I take I look forward to so I can go cry and not have anyone bother me.. it's horrible. Last night... I wanted company while I was showering so I asked Jason to sit with me... instead of being nice and just sitting with me and chatting... he decided it would be funny to first pee on me while I'm showering and then second goes get a freezing cold glass of water and pour it on me.... I mean yea.. on a different day I would have just laughed and figured a way to retaliate.. but not last night.. I Just wanted to snuggle... have my ego stroked a little and go to bed! And then today... I call him at work to say Hey and what-not.. and he tells me he wrote a song and told me his inspiration was Natasha... who is one of my oldest best friends and who he also "thinks" he fooled around with a long time ago... which okay.. I sort of laughed... and then I asked (dumb me.. I sort of set myself up for disapointment here) if he ever wrote a song and I was the inspiration.. and what does he say... NO!! Well gee thanks hunny... I just want to go home and go to bed!

I died last night

Well I endured my very first bar last night in all its glory. We started with a good dinner at Outback and I finished three beverages there... then we decided to hell with grocery shopping let's go drink!! (well I'm pretty sure I am the one who decided this.. he didn't really want to!).. and where did we go you wonder.... Lenny's!! We got there and I decided... I'm drinking beer because I wont drink that much while I am there... and well after two beers and two games of pool.. I'm not sure of the rest of the night... something with Mind Erasers, girly drinks the bartender made me and a couple long island iced teas... I died! I'm not sure I remember the drive home and I have brushed my teeth three times and I still have the taste of stale alcohol and vomit in my mouth! You wanna kiss!!

It was rough.. I was drunk Jason was drunk everyone was drunk! We even entered a drawing to win a Jager machine thingy!! I hope we win!! :)

Alright.. yea.. just had to let everyone know I died last night but had SOO much fun...

But on the down side... I'm at work... right now... since 9 this morning... and the room is still doing circles around me... and I'm not sure how I actually got here today.. lol! Oy... to be 21!

Cold Days

Well I have fantastic news.... I just got off the Depo Shot!! Woo hoo!! I have gained SOOO much weight on it I decided it just wasn't worth it! I have already lost 3lbs! Go figure... alright.. just wanted to share that bit of info and HOLY MOLY it's cold!

The Big '09

Well let's see... what do I want to resolve this year:

1. Lose some bloody weight
2. Work really hard on paying off my debts.. to everyone and then staying on top of bills
3. Become successful on my "other" job
4. Be way more understanding and loving towards the main man
5. Be a better person... to myself!

Yuup... those sound pretty good..!