Heart shaped Meatloaf dinner didn't work

I feel like I have hit rock bottom... and I don't see any shining light anymore.. so I just feel like I keep digging a whole deeper and deeper.... there is no returning to the top or even the middle.. or even just getting back to the moment of "bottom." I feel soo alone.. and yea it's probably, no it is my fault but damnit can't someone, anyone be there for me just because they want to not because I had to put effort into something. Can't someone appreciate one little thing I do... like idk.. cleaning the house.. having dinner done.. making lunch.. doing their laundry.. asking how their day was... having their entire uniform down to their socks and undies laid out so they don't have to go rumaging to look for it? Can't someone notice something I have done...? Like maybe just a hey, good job or a thank you? I just want some sort of recognition for something.. anything.. except being told I'm a nasty bitch.. or how any day they could leave me.. I want someone to come home and give me a kiss and say hello! I'm not asking for a lot here.. or maybe offer me some help.. or do something when I asked them to do it. Can someone love me or are they right.. I'm unloveable?

Misery is the River of the World

How to deal when you realize you're unwanted... no.. that's too harsh... when you're beginning to realize that you were right.. YOU are on the second burner and everything else is on the front burner...? I'm not sure how to deal with this... I just kind of shut off emotionally.. I don't see things in a pretty purple light anymore but this really dusty old ugly purple.. (yes.. I see everything in the light of purple!).. I want my pretty purple back! When you hear, I wish I could have a relationship on the side, I will never be owned, I hate commitment, it puts this HUGE brick in your stomach.. a cigarette burn right through the heart.. cauterize the wound.. make the blood stop running through my veins. It hurts.. end of discussion.. but I'm supposed to be A OKAY with this?? I'm not.. but do I say it.. no.. because I'm weak.. I'm a fool.. I'm just a "roommate". At least I have Ivey.. well sort of... even she's kind of more distant. What is going on here? What happened to my Baloooooooga?? I don't know.. he went away when the smoke cleared away I guess; or well that's the way it seams anyhow. Who knows... things will get better right... or not! I have such a fear of being alone I think that I can't be true to myself... or wait.. I am being true to myself.. I know what I want and how I want and who I want... it's just the other party or isn't being true with me.

Oh hell.. what am I talking about! I should just be happy that I have someone... right?

I have a thing for saying "schm.."

Here is something I wrote while at work... being bored... lol!

Etiquette Schmetiquette

Source: Conde Nast Traveler

pg. 110
Article: Etiquette 101


I know I hardly consider what other people think of myself or my traditions let alone etiquette but to some people I suppose it truly is important. I remember turning 12 and for my birthday I received from my sweet loving grandparents.... admission to Etiquette School; yes you heard it right I received schooling on how to act like a prim, proper, 1950s girl going into womanhood for my birthday! Blame the school for my carelessness in appreciation in etiquette if you must, I certainly do, but reading an article about what the world thinks of my country in a whole is a lot more face slapping then one person's actions.

There are some mixed emotions, take the Canadian who thinks' we're really helpful yet ignorant or even consider the French man who thinks' we're sheltered and thinks' we're a "closed country". Some American's might actually take this in offense but some, like myself, would just shrug it off their shoulders.

On second hand, should I blow it off and not think twice about it or should I really sit here and consider maybe the things I do really do affect what the world thinks of us. One thing I noticed throughout is the simple question/phrase "Hi, how are you?". What I always think of as being courteous most foreigners find it kind of repulsive. We self-centered people. They can see right through us and by the time we have opened our mouth and gotten the syllable beginning Hi they know we are being "polite" and could really care less what the other person has to say.
Some of their concerns with our etiquette should really be none of their business, the complain we smile too much.. hey we're American we're happy to be "free" so don't we have the right to smile; or how about the entry "they think we treat our pets like kids, and our kids like princes" (pg. 118) don't get me wrong I am guilt, at least with my pet, on this one. My dogs Ivey and Angel are and always will be apart of my family.. we hold funerals for them but have we forgot about England? I do believe they have an odd obsession with their dogs, The queen does allow her dog to eat at the table with her! Our children should be treated like princes and princesses I mean who wants to be treated like a slave?

The point is, perhaps we should sit back and take some things into consideration and some thing should be blown off. Leave me alone for smiling all the time, accepting my dog as family and the way I dress. Sure pick on me for the ignorance of other countries and our women are teases. All in all in the end we should generally just get a long and learn some basic etiquette- open doors for women, having your man's dinner ready when he arrives home from a long hard day at work, and children should respect their parents. Oh wait, who am I kidding.. this is America.

Sunday Schmunday

Well.. I'm bored... I want to be home with my "babies" watching the game and lounging in my birthday suite!! Who wouldn't, right? Instead I am sitting here waiting for ANYBODY to call listening to a woman blow her nose and another woman.. oh wait.. phone call just came in!...


..PAUSE..



It was nothing to get excited about... a woman just wanted to know how to claim her rewards.. soo no new books.. Anywho.. yea.. work is pretty slow and boring right now. I already read just about the entire Sunday paper clipped all the coupons I want and some I don't need and done the craigslist thing.. (I'm addicted to the free/barter/wanted sections!) I'M BORED!!

Hmmm at least it is Friday's Eve!! Wednesday night Jason and I are going on some dinner date with this other couple.. a little confused about the whole situation.. but who knows.. it's free dinner! What else.. oh nothing!

Ciao...

What is going on here??

Well History has been made.. Obama... I'm not even going to begin with that topic!! So moving on.. the Economy is SO bad anymore.. a class which was hired right after mine was let go.. so now I'm worried about losing my job too!
But work.. let's talk about work right now... we were told to color/create/decorate these little construction paper "star guys" to state what we are thankful for.. and I guess I missed the E-mail saying they had to be about Wellness.. well anywho I made mine.. sparkly and all.. and then I am told they wont hang mine.. why?? Because I'm honest and say what I'm thankful for and I don't try to say the "right" thing... so now are you asking what I am thankful for??

Cigarettes and Video Games

Now who are they to say that I do not own a Wii Fit?? Isn't that considered wellness?? Where is my freedom of speech here? It's not like I said something along the lines of booze and porn!! Anyway... just giving you an update on the life of Dizzle!

Peach